Why So Many Adults Feel Lonely, and What We Can Do About It

In this insightful episode, Vanisha R. Dailey discusses the complex reasons why so many adults experience loneliness—even when they are surrounded by people. Drawing on recent data from the Pew Research Center, Vanisha speaks on how modern life, technology, shifting social norms, and internal hurdles (like self-perception and communication style) all play a role.

She also brings in practical strategies for reconnecting: from building intentional friendships and deepening emotional intimacy, to small daily shifts that can break cycles of isolation. Whether you are feeling disconnected post-work, navigating relationship changes, or simply longing for more meaningful connection, this episode offers both empathy and actionable steps to help you find your way.

Substack Chat: Subscribe-- have access to the chat and get my newsletter directly to your e-mail. You hear it first!  https://vanishardailey.substack.com/chat

Myleik Teele: "You're Bored, Because You're Boring..." https://open.substack.com/pub/myleik/p/youre-bored-because-youre-boring?r=1u99qo&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false

Pew Study: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2025/01/16/men-women-and-social-connections/

Personality Test: https://www.16personalities.com/

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome + "We Need to Talk"
• 0:48 My Story About My Friend Nikkia
• 1:24 The Growth of the Podcast Globally
• 2:22 Encouragement + the friend-vetting conversation
• 5:02 Why adults are struggling to make friends
• 6:44 2025 Pew data on loneliness
• 7:15 Social media, comparison, and isolation
• 11:25 The Foundation of Building Trust
• 12:51 Personality Differences
• 14:25 Myleik Teele and the Substack reflections
• 18:13 The emotional cost of not having community
• 19:16 Hyper-Individualism in Society
• 20:22 What healthy friend-making actually looks like
• 21:05 Red Flags and Boundaries
• 21:57 How to build meaningful connections
• 24:10 Final reflections + affirmation
• 25:04 Closing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:12

You are now tuned in to Vanisha R Dailey. Please Say the Dailey. Hey, hey y'all! Welcome to another episode of Please Say the Dailey. I am your host, Vanisha R. Dailey, and this is episode 14. Before we jump into today's conversation, I have got to give a heartfelt shout out to someone very special. This individual has been my one and only paid subscriber since I started this journey. Nikkia, thank you for believing in this mission of mine. Thank you for supporting this podcast for the past eight months. You a real one. We all start somewhere, and these are my very humble beginnings. Hello, somebody. Your generosity and belief in me means more than I can say. And also a little milestone moment. My show is beginning to reach into new places. The top five countries tuning in are the United States, of course, Germany, Singapore, Hong Kong, and France. That blows me away. I appreciate each and every one of you listening, sharing, and showing up. So if this episode speaks to you, please follow the podcast wherever you listen. Apple Podcasts, Spotify, you name it. I'm there, go ahead and follow. And if something hits home, share it, rate it, send it to someone who might need it. That kind of support helps this show grow in ways that I am genuinely grateful for. Alright now, let's get into it. I want to talk about one of the most painful yet very common experiences for many adults. The struggle to make and keep friends. Friendship feels like it should be simple, right? But for many, it's not. We long for connection, but something keeps getting in the way. A friend of mine recently told me that she admires how I vet the people that I choose to keep close. She's seen how I lean in, how I pause, how I observe. And a lot of that vetting process, I think, comes from hard lessons, observations, and learning what works or doesn't in my relationships. I see so much discourse around friendships, dating, and building community. And I am not sure if many of us realize that those same skill sets that we need to make meaningful, long-lasting connections can help us in each of those arenas. Where we have challenges around interacting with others, those underdeveloped skills can easily show up in one of three of those areas, and even all of them under certain circumstances. I want to share some of the things that I consider when building a relationship with someone. This might sound crazy to some of you, but this is something that I've noticed over the years as I've gotten to know people on various levels. Within the first three to five months of speaking and learning about a person, I am usually able to tell whether we are a good fit and whether I will actually continue to keep them close to me. And within those few months, better known as the honeymoon phase in the dating world, something that I pay close attention to is how we get along with one another. If we've gotten into multiple disagreements, heated conversations, and misunderstandings within that short window of time, that's a major factor that I will keep a watchful eye on. Not saying that things could never get better, but in my experience, that is usually the foreshadowing of how the relationship will likely be. And if you're a person that likes your peace like me, those connections typically dissipate because of those fundamental differences and lack of harmony. So when we see these trending habits, it's good to ask ourselves: do I have the capacity for a friendship that operates in this way as its baseline? The first thing that I want to lead with is that none of us are perfect. We won't always get it right. We are all coming to the table with our very unique characteristics. The awkwardness, the trauma, the triggers, the laughs, the appropriateness, or lack thereof. We have to understand that we will not always make quality connections with everyone that we meet. And learning how to be okay with that is probably the biggest challenge, because it hurts our ego. And for a lot of us, our inner child that wishes for nothing more than genuine connection in the form of romantic or platonic relationships. So, yes, there will be hiccups along the way. There will be some people that we misread, but all of these situations are a part of the bigger picture of learning how to better vet and connect. So today I want to revisit this discussion about friendships. If you missed episode 9 of my podcast, go check that out because I shared some of my own difficulties and also spoke on how much our society has shifted due to multiple factors that are making many of us trip, stumble, and fumble within our interpersonal relationships. So let's talk about why friendship is so hard for us as adults, how loneliness is more than just a feeling, and what practical, emotional tools we can develop to make real connection possible. Let's root this in social science, of course, the sociologist in me. Because this isn't just a feeling, it's a real measurable social phenomenon. The Pew Research Center conducted a survey on social connections, and the data is noteworthy. According to their 2025 report, about 16% of US adults say they feel lonely or isolated all or most of the time. And another 38% say they feel lonely sometimes. That means that over half of us report some level of loneliness. Moreover, this loneliness is not evenly distributed across age. Younger adults under 50 report loneliness more often than older adults. That makes sense in some ways because younger people are still building lives, social networks, and stability all during the age of digital media. Meanwhile, older generations have more established community structures, but that does not mean that they are fully immune to this. Another key insight from Pew was that adults who were asked who they go to for emotional support, 74% say their spouse or partner, while only a very small number, around 5% or so, say they rely primarily on online communities or platforms. In other words, the bulk of our emotional support is still coming from personal real-world relationships, not digital ones. This tells us something important. The crisis of loneliness is not just about being alone. It's about the quality of connection and whether we have the capacity, structures, and emotional tools to sustain meaningful relationships. So honestly, I believe one of the core reasons why so many adult connections falter is because we confuse chemistry with compatibility. Chemistry is exciting. It's the initial spark. The shared laughs, the discovery of how we click, but compatibility? That's what determines durability. When I assess whether to keep someone close, I'm not just looking for who makes me feel good in the moment. I'm evaluating alignment. Do our values align? Is their way of communicating something that I understand? Do they match my pace and priorities? Is there emotional safety when I show up with my full self? Sometimes the people we're drawn to don't have the rational foundation to support a long-lasting relationship, whether that be romantic or platonic. And that's okay. It doesn't mean anyone has failed. It just means we need to lean into intentionality, choosing for sustainability, not just resonance. And next we have accountability and effort. These are the building blocks of trust in any relationship, if you ask me. Accountability is not blame, it's responsibility. When someone cares, they don't just say, I'm sorry. They show up, they repair, they follow through. Real friendships require consistency. They require small acts, reaching out, checking in, initiating even when things are busy or messy. But here's something that I've noticed, and that Pew data backs up. Emotional labor in friendships often falls unevenly. Some people carry more of it than others. If your friendships are draining, if you feel like you're doing more than half the work, or like you're always the one asking, that's something important to observe. Healthy friendships ask, can we balance? Can we share the load? Can we build trust over time? When I build friendships now, I'm looking for people who not only share laughter, but who are willing to make an effort to contribute to the friendship. Is there genuine care, respect, and consideration? Let's talk about personality. I took a personality test that I thought was pretty cool. I'll have to find that link and add it into the description box below. They included a part that covered introversion and extroversion, and I was right in the middle. An extrovert is a person that thrives off of human interaction. They gain energy from being in social spaces and situations that require them to be social. My mother is the perfect example of an extrovert. That woman can go anywhere and strike up a whole in-depth conversation with a person. This is naturally how she's always been. She'll randomly meet someone at the store, hit it off with them, they're laughing and carrying on, and next thing you know, they're exchanging numbers. But then we have introverted people. These are the ones who enjoy spaces of low stimulation. These are typically people who are more inclined to enjoy their solitude. Having a moment to themselves helps them recharge. Way too many people think that being antisocial makes them an introvert, but that isn't the case. Introverts are just low-key people. And lastly, you have the ambivert, which is where I fall. These are the people who have a healthy balance between both worlds, introversion and extroversion. And we may lean into being more outgoing, or not so much, depending on the situation we are in. I read an amazing piece on Substack by Myleik Teele entitled, You're bored because you're boring. And that's fixable. You cannot be compelling if you are not curious. Ooh, the title, it's hard. But I truly believe anyone can take something from it. Hear me out. I consider myself to be an interesting person. I have many interests and a wide array of things that I just love to nerd out on. Y'all know I'm neurodivergent. But there is never a moment where I feel like I cannot expand a bit more or take in more of the world around me. My leik encourages us to expose ourselves to new things, even things that we may not typically gravitate toward, because it takes us out of the mundane and can inspire a spark, a new interest, hobby, or simply a unique one-off experience for ourselves. People that are curious about the world are often those people that can hold a conversation with just about anyone. When we cultivate those habits, we become more compelling. And when we become more curious, we naturally attract a lot of people who are curious too. Curiosity is a skill, and having the ability to engage with the world is such a strong quality to have. I believe that these are the ultimate community builders. They are the glue for humanity. She said that surrounding ourselves with people who look like us, think like us, parent like us, and earn like us only gives us an echo chamber to interact with. And while I agree with that, I want to add a tidbit more. Intellectual compatibility matters. Emotional maturity matters. Worldview matters. We really cannot gloss over the importance of these because they will eventually show up. And then what do we do? Tiptoe over touchy topics, hide parts of ourselves because we don't want to cause a disruption. You'll eventually question the quality of that relationship as well. I promise you, I have been there. These are topics of discussion that are dividing families and friendships every day. If we don't share somewhat similar foundations of values and empathy around major societal topics, politics, social issues, care for the world around us, we will bump heads. And that is a major sign of incompatibility. There's a sociological term called homophily, which basically means that we gravitate toward people who feel familiar. And honestly, it makes sense. Familiar feels safe. But here's the twist. Sometimes that instinct keeps our world way too small. Homophily isn't a bad thing necessarily. It's human. And it's also nice to have people that you can relate to. However, when we become aware of this natural habit, it gives us the opportunity to question: am I choosing connection or am I choosing comfort? Because sometimes the friendship we've been wanting, the community we've been longing for, is sitting just outside of our comfort zone, waiting for us to create a little room. Now let's discuss something that's happening within our society. Hyper-individualism. Our society prizes being independent. That's not wrong. Self-reliance is powerful. But when independence comes at a detriment of one being isolated from others all the time, I'm talking about the people that tuck themselves away from everybody. The possibility of friendships becomes impossible in those cases. Those same people typically crave connection, but in secrecy, but they don't know how to articulate it. These adults don't build friendships because they're afraid of being viewed as needy, or they've been hurt too many times to even put themselves out there. They've thrown in the towel, and now they've convinced themselves that they don't need anyone. But what's really happening is that there is a legitimate fear of rejection. There's a fear of the relationship not working. But connecting requires risk. If this is you, or you just want to take a stab at connecting with others, here's a practice to adopt. The invitation practice. More on this later. Try making one small social ask this week. A coffee date, a walk, or even lunch. Test out the waters. If they decline, I'll be fine. That's the motto here. The lesson is in having the courage to speak up and take initiative by trying to connect with someone. That's a win. Let's get practical. Red flags and boundaries. These can be the most confusing because we often mistake this is hard because we're in conflict versus this is hard because I need to protect my well-being and peace. This brings me back to the audiobook that I recently narrated, which was about boundaries. I learned a few things, so let me share. Some major red flags may look like inconsistent behavior, not owning mistakes, ignoring boundaries, making everything about themselves, emotional unavailability, jealousy disguised as concern. I'm sure a lot of these sound familiar, or you've experienced them in your own journey. So how do we navigate them? With boundaries. Boundaries don't shut people out. They set limits. They say, here's what I can give, here's what I need, here's how I need to be treated. Boundaries help you protect your emotional bandwidth. They help you decide who deserves a seat at your table. Okay, let's bring all of it together. Here are the things that you can try this week, this month, to grow your friendship building skills. The Daily Curiosity Challenge. Ask someone a non-surface level question and listen without interrupting. Next, we have the weekly invitation practice. As I mentioned earlier, invite someone for something small: coffee, a walk, a dinner. Even a virtual hangout would count as well. We have Zoom, we're in the digital realm, let's utilize it. Up next, we have the monthly boundary reflection. Write one boundary that matters and practice saying it. And lastly, we have the ongoing effort audit. Keep a list of the ways that your friends do show up. Notice patterns of effort. If something is missing, re-evaluate. One of my friends recently did this with me. I just loved her intentionality behind it. It was really a sweet thing just to have that check-in with my friend. Friendship or any relationship for that matter is not guaranteed. And that can be scary. People drift, people change, and sometimes we grieve the relationships that never quite became what we hoped for. But here's something powerful, and it's definitely one of the most powerful things that I've learned in my adulthood, because it was one of the most challenging things that I've had to navigate. You can choose your community, your chosen family, your village. These are the people that understand and show up for you. Those are the real connections. And as you do that, embrace the now. Give yourself grace for the losses. Celebrate the small wins. Honor the people who lean in. Let go of what no longer fits. Because building our interpersonal relationships aren't just transactional, they are transformational. To wrap this up, the crisis of loneliness is real, but we can build new rational skills. Compatibility, curiosity, accountability, and boundaries are all of the groundwork necessary. Deep connections with people don't happen by accident. They happen by intention and effort. I want to leave you with a little call to action. If this episode resonated with you, if it made you think about your friendships, your dating patterns, your boundaries, or the type of community that you want to build, please take a moment to support the podcast. Support looks like sharing this episode with someone who needs it, leaving a rating or review, or even just commenting your thoughts. I want to hear from you. What hit home? What challenged you? And what do you want me to dive deeper into? Your engagement helps this show grow, and it also helps other people find the conversations they've been needing. So jump into the comments, reply on Substack, DM me, or start a thread about something that stood out to you. Join the conversation. Don't just listen and head out like those Spongebob memes, I'ma head on out. Community is built through participation, and I genuinely love hearing your perspectives. Until next time.