Friends-- How Many of Us Have Them in a Post-Pandemic World?

In this episode, Vanisha R. Dailey explores the complexities of adult friendships, the impact of the pandemic on social connections, and the loneliness epidemic exacerbated by social media. She shares personal experiences and insights on navigating social anxiety, the importance of genuine connections, and practical tips for building friendships through shared interests and intentional actions.

Sources Used for this Episode:

• https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b7c56e255b02c683659fe43/t/67001295042a0f327c6e6fab/1728058005340/Loneliness_+Brief+Report+2024_October_FINAL.pdf

• https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/24/10/what-causing-our-epidemic-loneliness-and-how-can-we-fix-it

• https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6889078/pdf/nihms-1060104.pdf

• https://www.simplypsychology.org/ambivert.html#Theoretical-Origins

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Personal Reflections on Friendship
• 1:06 The Challenge of Making Friends in Adulthood
• 10:19 The Loneliness Epidemic and Its Causes
• 14:45 Navigating Social Anxiety and Personal Growth
• 20:11 Practical Tips for Building Connections
• 24:54 Outro

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:00

Number one, and I don't want to be the person who's like asking you, what happened to your podcast? But like, girl, what happened to your podcast? What happened? And I know that life has been insane over the last few months for everybody. I just, in the last few messages that we have exchanged, there's always a podcast worthy moment. And yet it's still, when I go to the podcast app on my iPhone, ain't no new episodes. So, you know, just curious. Love you, mean it.

SPEAKER_00: 0:47

You are now tuned into Venetia R Daily. Please say the daily. Hey, hey, y'all. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back to episode nine of Please Say the Daily. I am your host, Venetia R. Daly. I appreciate you all being patient with me during my little hiatus. And I love that my friends are holding me accountable because that was a hilarious message from my friend India. Hey boo, you know I had to use that clip on this episode. So thank you for that. No, but seriously, this is exactly why I need to make some shorter episodes so that I can keep things afloat over here and we can continue to build on this platform. I've missed you guys. And I hope you stay tuned for the entire episode. I want to jump right in since it's been a while. But before we do, go ahead and click that follow button. Let's get into it. So How often do you hear people talk about their challenges with connecting with new people and making friends in their adulthood? Over the past few years, this discussion seems to be quite popular. People make posts on social media like, how do you make friends as an adult? And I wanted to have a conversation about this because it is evident that a lot of people seem to be having the same issue. And ironically, this conversation is taking place during a period when I've been much more social. So first, let's take a look at my own friendships and background story before we dive into what's happening within our society and our interpersonal relationships. Thank you so much for watching. I've become aware of the fact that different types of friendships fill our cups in a variety of ways, and we interact with these people differently depending upon what we tend to bond over, our comfort level, and history with these people. I have sentimental and active friendships. My three close friends that I speak to frequently through text messages, phone calls, or FaceTime, we're typically in contact multiple times a week. But this isn't always the case. I do have a best friend from my childhood who I've been friends with since we were seven years old. And as for the other two, I met them when I was about 22 or 23 years old. So these are friendships that are well over 15 years in the making. That's not including the sentimental friendships that I've started to pour more attention into as of recent. These are friendships that were birthed from shared history, and they have value. A lot of my dance friends fall into this category, as well as my yogis and Oregonian friends too. But as far as my dance friends... We used to spend so much time together between training and performing on stage, and that built such a strong historical bond that even though we may go long periods without speaking, when we do catch up, there's a genuine feeling of love, connectedness, and familiarity that coexists effortlessly. I don't know what it is, but I've had multiple people reconnect with me this year. All of these people fall into that sentimental category as well and have also known me for many years. We've been living far away from one another on our own life journeys, so we haven't been able to spend time together. But as of this year, those same individuals either just so happened to be in my city, they invited me out on a trip to join them, or I was traveling to their town. So we made a plan together. and put in actual effort to link up even if it was just for an hour over lunch. I've been really appreciative of these moments because it brought into focus just how much I've missed being more social and how much I needed it. Listen, having a baby during the pandemic and then also transitioning into being a stay-at-home mother Thank you for watching. These friendships are the epitome of chosen family, and they likely concealed a lot of what I eventually realized that I was missing. But now, not only have I been more inclined to accepting an invitation to connect with others, but I've also had the capacity to socialize more. I've done more socializing in this year than I have in the past four years, and that says a lot, y'all. When you feel good about yourself and you have solid friendships with great people, it literally improves your overall well-being. We laugh, we get vulnerable, we support and even inspire each other. I often feel so rejuvenated after spending time with these individuals. And sure, there will likely be some bumps along the way, which is totally normal, especially when sustaining long-term friendships relationships in general of any kind, but we have to be willing to face conflict in a healthy manner. I listened to a podcast recently that featured the amazing Durand Benar, and he said that we often give our romantic partners more chances than we do our friendships. And if that ain't a whole word, I don't know what is. All of the communication skills that we harp on and on about with romantic relationships are the same exact skills that are necessary for platonic friendships. And being a good friend means that you should want to move with care, consideration, and respect for that person and the relationship that you have together. So, moment of truth. If you are a person that finds it to be challenging to make friends in your adulthood, I have a genuine question for you. How are you making an effort to connect with people? Because I have a feeling that a lot of us do desire connection, but our actions are likely not aligning with the desired outcome. And with that, I want to share what my friend India had to say on this topic of making friends.

SPEAKER_02: 8:40

I'm like, we don't have to make this so damn hard. If you want to get to know somebody, say so. And if they say no, then you move on. You do have to move on with your life. That's the part that I think people get tripped up on. They think they won't be able to handle rejection. And I'm like, well, yeah, it never feels good. But the more you... do it, the easier it gets to manage that feeling. So you have this desire to connect with new people. You try to connect with new people. Some of them are hits. Some of them are misses. You go with the hits until the connection moves somewhere and then rinse and repeat. Like, yeah, we just, we make it more complicated than it needs to be for me being honest about what I have the capacity to do and then operating in that capacity, but not being mad at When somebody else does not have the same capacity as me. I think that's the part I've had to learn. Like with. With you know who. I had the capacity for. A more. Intimate connection. Than they had the capacity for. And you can't be mad when somebody is honest with you. By the fact that they're not looking for the same thing you're looking for. Go find somebody who is looking. What you're looking for. Like stop trying to force people into connections. That they are telling you. They don't want. That's the other thing. Some of us are trying to connect with people that don't actually want the same shit we want. Go find people who want what you want.

SPEAKER_00: 10:19

Social studies have found data that completely validates that we are in a loneliness epidemic that directly impacts the quality of our interpersonal relationships. Whether that be romantic relationships, family-oriented, or friendships, the average person's social life has dwindled. Even though the average American has become less and less social over the past few decades, It's no surprise that COVID shifted our ability to tap into our people skills. The combination of societal shifts, convenience, ease of access, and social media being the number one way that we connect with others now has cut down on the amount of face-to-face interactions that we have with our friends by more than half. And more people are intentionally choosing their solitude instead of prioritizing friendships. In an article written by Carolyn Bruckman in 2025 entitled The Friendship Recession, The Lost Art of Connecting, quote, when not used well, the result of solitude isn't just fewer friendships. It's a fundamental loss of the ability to form and sustain them, end quote. Social media continues to cripple a lot of people's ability to naturally engage with others. We hide behind these accounts, snooping, observing all of the things that folks post about. We watch them so often without ever interacting with them. Why? You get the access without intentionally putting in the work and time to get to know someone and build a trustworthy friendship. Digital media has allowed us to curate surface-level relationships and assume them to be substantial enough for genuine interpersonal connection and longevity. And they are not. And to be honest, this has been a gripe of mine as of late. It drives me insane how many people I know in person that will watch my story on a consistent basis, but they never have anything to say to me there. Now look, I'm not saying that you have to interact with everything that I post, but is it not weird to you all that some of these people that we know in person, I'm not talking about the strangers, but the individuals that we are very familiar with, they just watch our stories without ever engaging with us for months on end, like no reaction, not even a heart emoji. I cannot be the only person that experiences this. Honestly, I've started to shorten my close friends list more and even block people from seeing my story altogether. Because what's the purpose? No hard feelings, y'all. So what seems to be the major thing that has made so many people shift their focus away from their social lives? Well, there are a few different issues. In a United States study that focused on generational shifts in work values found that people who focused their attention on obtaining job positions that were extremely meaningful to them, helpful to others, and society, these people commonly had issues with not having quality friendships in their personal lives, despite doing such meaningful work. And according to Business Insider, work is one of the major reasons for this social dilemma. They stated that 77% of Americans work more than 40 hours a week. There has also been a major increase in commuting times for the average worker over the years. But more than ever, we are more inclined to work from home these days with the rise of gig economy, specifically with social media influencers leading the way. I learned something new because I did not know that this was called gig economy. Interesting. Another cause on the list are our familial relationships. Parents are spending more time with their children now than parents did in previous generations. I can't mention that fact without adding in that this is because many people don't have a trusted community that they can rely on for support and safety for their children. But when you have a population of workers that spend so much time working, it makes sense that many of them would feel the need to pour more time and attention into their families, their home life. So at this point, we are already seeing how time allotment is challenging when trying to cultivate friendships. In a Harvard study by the Making Caring Common Project, when the participants were asked, what do they think is contributing to the loneliness epidemic in America? 73% of them said technology, which we know that includes social media. followed by not spending enough time with family at 66%. More than half of the people that participated in the study mentioned that they don't feel like they can be themselves around their own family members with the quality of the relationship not being up to par. For example, not feeling appreciated by their loved ones or only feeling relevant to their family because they're useful to them in some way. But the third reason listed, is work life yet again, with 62% of people mentioning that they were too busy and too exhausted to interact with others. I like this study because it really got into more of the underlying reasons of this topic because it's so much more complex than just a population of people feeling lonely. They also stated that about 60% of the respondents mentioned having issues with their mental health, individualism in society, and that a lot of people lack interpersonal relationship skills. which do include factors like conflict resolution skills or even being closed off due to the mistrust of people. And get this, 81% of the people that said that they're lonely in the study also battle anxiety or depression. Expressing not having deep emotional connections with others, not feeling like they belong to a meaningful group of people, feeling completely disconnected from others. There goes that community again, right? But I want to go back to the mental health part. Let's have a discussion about anxiety, which I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety last year. Okay, even though I'm great at interacting with people, I struggle with social anxiety. So experiencing social settings, especially new ones, can be very overwhelming on my nervous system most times. And don't get me wrong, even though I have the ability to connect with others and I typically have a great time doing it, I really, really enjoy my own solitude. I love tucking myself away in the house for days on end until I'm ready to emerge again with a full social battery. We'll save the personality type discussion for another episode. But while my comfort zone is so comfortable and safe, I figured out that if I don't push myself to go outside of that zone, I will miss out on many opportunities for personal growth and experiences by simply not challenging myself to experience discomfort at times. After I understood this very fact and continued to be very intentional about how I was facing the world, it had a major positive impact on not just my interpersonal skills, but how I was showing up in my own life, whether that be professionally or even artistically. So let me give you a little story time. This may sound familiar to some of you because I posted about it when it had initially happened. Earlier this summer, I had plans to hang out with a new mommy friend. Hey, Brie. She and I met at a park last year when our daughters started playing together. And then she and I started having a conversation and really just hit it off. Come to find out, insert Nicki Minaj, we share so many similarities. It's honestly crazy. Our birthdays are four days apart. Our daughter's birthdays are in the same month. And on that first day that we met one another as we were parting ways, we realized that we also drive the same car, just in a different color. Twin, where have you been? But anyway, I planned on going over to her place and she messaged me saying that she was going to have two other friends coming over as well and that I should meet them. My heart dropped. because I wasn't mentally prepared to meet new people. And then I started second guessing my initial plans of going over to her place like, do I really want to hang out today? I could just stay at home and chill out. But I knew that this was just my anxiety speaking because I was overwhelmed at the thought of having to socialize with new people so soon. So I pushed those thoughts aside, stayed positive and made myself show up anyway. But when these sorts of social situations come about, we have no idea what we may be walking into. We can only hope that our friends, especially newer friends that we're still getting familiar with, use a similar discernment to our own when vetting the people that they choose to spend their time with, in hopes that everything will be copacetic and enjoyable for all parties involved, instead of having to mingle with people that you don't really mesh well with. The aftermath? Well, one person didn't show up, so that was less pressure. But all three of us sat around and had great conversations about everything under the sun, from relationships to the art scene here in Savannah to the complexities of being a Black woman navigating professional spaces. I got acquainted with a cool new person and we connected on IG. Sounds like a win to me. People that don't experience this sort of social anxiety seem to assume that it's an easy off button. They're usually like, oh, Venetia, don't worry. They're going to enjoy your company. They'll like you. And that's what a lot of people misinterpret is that my feelings are based around wanting to be liked or accepted by others. And while that may be true for some people, I know that's not the case for me. I usually come off as likable to others. And even if people don't like me, I honestly don't believe I would care enough to be concerned at this point in my life. That's likely from being such an awkward Black girl my entire life. I can't be everyone's cup of tea, and that is okay. Because one thing about me, I'm gonna always find my people. But can we please not downplay a person's struggles with dealing with debilitating anxiety and assume that they can just push that feeling aside and then they can effortlessly set out to do whatever it is that they want? This is the same energy that a lot of people have when it comes to mental health in general, as though people are legitimately choosing to be stuck on certain challenges. And that just isn't the case at all. Even though social anxiety can be a hindrance for people and extremely challenging to work through, it does make me chuckle when I think of how much we worry and get ourselves worked up when there's often not anything to worry about to begin with, at least in my own experience. So how do we start the journey of being more social and possibly befriending people? It starts with simple actions that center around things that you enjoy doing or care about. For example, if you like poetry, join a local poetry group through Facebook or go to an open mic night. If you like working out, you can strike up a friendly conversation with a familiar face that you've been seeing at the gym. You have to go on a consistent basis to recognize people, y'all. No shade. Local running groups and fitness groups are popular these days. Or maybe you like reading. Join a book club or go to the local library or a cafe. Allow yourself to be open for connection. And when I say open, I mean say good morning to a person as you walk by. Give someone eye contact and a friendly smile. Y'all. It is crazy the amount of times that I have walked past people at the gym. Let's say I'm about to walk past another woman and I want to compliment her hair or her outfit. I love complimenting people. It's just what I do. It is wild how often they won't even look in my direction. They're just looking down with their headphones on. So maybe all it would take is for you to get outside and just be a little more personable in your day-to-day life. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised to see how far those basic actions go and also how much of an impact it can have on not just yourself, but the others that are the recipients of simple acts of kindness from a stranger. The major thing with threading social connection is to lead with genuine curiosity, intention, and care. It's okay to be interested or intrigued by a person. Lead with consideration and politeness. Ask appropriate questions and start connecting. So Yes, I am so glad that I finally got this episode wrapped up for you all because my hope is that this message reaches someone out there that needs a jumpstart to their social life. And hey, if you are someone that can relate to this episode in any way or you have any tips and tricks on how to make friends, please leave a comment by clicking the hyperlink in the description box below entitled, I want to hear from you. Also, if you enjoyed this episode today And lastly, please make sure that you like, share, and also follow this podcast. Until next time.